When Mom Thinks You're Too Hard On Him
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Ramon Weatherall shares how working fathers can support their wives while maintaining trust with their sons. Using a tense post-dentist dinner decision as an example, he identifies four traps that turn discipline into performance, then offers four rules for setting expectations without yelling or alienating a child.
keywords
fatherhood, parenting boys, father-son relationship, co-parenting, discipline without yelling, working dads, family communication, leadership
key topics
Ramon recounts yelling at his son Carter after the kids asked for food following a dentist visit, realizing he was performing authority to reassure his wife.
Trap 1, the “kitchen courtroom”: trying to resolve conflict between a parent and child in front of the family instead of speaking privately.
Trap 2, performing for your wife by escalating your response to prove you have things under control.
Trap 3, the sibling setup: blaming between siblings can complicate discipline, so parents need to know their children and their patterns.
Trap 4, losing your son’s trust by repeatedly mishandling conflict and leaving him feeling that nobody is in his corner.
Rule 1, “kill the audience”: tell your wife you’ll handle the conversation privately, ask what concerns she wants addressed, and follow up later.
Rule 2, hear your son out for 90 seconds or two minutes while maintaining a clear boundary against disrespect.
Rule 3, hold household standards without anger, yelling, cursing, pointing, or physical escalation.
Rule 4, debrief with your wife later, at a time that works for your schedule; Weatherall says his third-shift work means mornings often work better.
takeaways
“Backing your wife up, that's mandatory. But screaming and yelling and cursing at your boy, that's not authority.”
“That's just performing when you don't know what else to do.”
“You need to separate the two.”
“If you're just like everybody else, jumping down his throat, he has nobody left.”
“Being the one person in his corner, that doesn't mean you always have to agree with him.”
“Give them 90 seconds, two minutes, give him time, hear him out, hear his side of the story.”
“You don't have a right to be disrespectful to your mother. Not now, not ever.”
“Hold the standard. You can make it clear that there will be standards in this household.”
“Your wife doesn't need you screaming to prove that you love her.”
“They both need a leader that can take the heat without catching fire.”
guest name
key frameworks
Four traps: the kitchen courtroom, performing for your wife, the sibling setup, and losing your client.
Four rules: kill the audience, hear your client out, hold the standard without anger, and debrief with your wife.
sound bites
"he has nobody left."
"Kill the audience."
"hear your client out"
Chapters
00:00 Caught between a wife who thinks you’re too soft and a son who thinks you’re too hard
01:53 Trap 1: turning the kitchen into a courtroom
03:51 Trap 4: losing your son’s trust
05:46 Rule 1: remove the audience and handle it privately
07:12 Rule 4: debrief with your wife on a workable schedule
08:12 The Loud to Leadership Protocol and closing
resources
Loud to Leadership Protocol - http://www.buildbetterdads.com/free-guide-opt-in-page
My son was confused. He didn't know whose side I was on. Not because of what I did, it's because I started yelling. And just so I could show my wife that I was handling things. But right then I knew I wasn't being a leader. I was performing on him. Working dads, does your wife think you're being too soft on him? And does your son think you're being too hard on him? And you are stuck in the middle. I'm gonna give you the four traps that keep you stuck there and the four rules I use to back my wife up without losing my son. But first, let me tell you how I found this out. Just the other day, my kids they both needed to go to the dentist. They both went to the dentist later on in the evening. So my wife was like, I'm not cooking dinner. They can eat leftovers. That's the conversation we had between each other. So we go there, the kids are complaining about how they're hungry. When they say they're hungry and we're out somewhere, they figure we can get takeout food. So on the ride, they're saying, Oh, there's Wendy's, there's McDonald's, Jersey Mike's. And my daughter, she keeps saying she's hungry. So she knows if she keeps saying she's hungry, my wife's gonna probably stop and get them something to eat. You know, just being a good mom. But she's like, no, they're leftovers. You're gonna go to the dentist. You don't even know if you're gonna be able to eat right away. They go into the dentist, they get their teeth cleaned, make sure that they can eat right away. They get in the car. Once again, we're hungry, we're hungry. My wife's like, no, there's leftovers, you're gonna eat that. Immediately, they both start getting the attitude. And my son, the oldest, Carter, I can see it on him, he gets an attitude. And what do I do? I start yelling at him really to control things and to show my wife that I got things in control and to back her up. But it just felt like I was doing too much. It just felt like I was performing, not really being a leader. Now, backing your wife up, that's mandatory. But screaming and yelling and cursing at your boy, that's not authority. That's not leadership. That's just performing when you don't know what else to do. When you don't know what else to do, you fall for one of these four traps. Number one, the kitchen courtroom. Trying to solve all the family's problems, the issues between your wife and your son in the kitchen. It never works. Trust me, it never works. You need to separate the two. You need to take your client in his room, somewhere else, and talk to him, and then you need to let your wife know that you're handling things, and you you and her will have a debriefing later on this evening or whenever you can when the kids aren't around. And the next one, almost every man makes just out of pure exhaustion, and that is performing for your wife. Performing for your wife, trying to make her feel secure, to show her you're handling things, trying to win an Academy Award with her to show her that you've got things under control. And when you do that, really, you're losing your client. Number three, it's the dynamic that can flip your whole house upside down. The sibling setup. Now, if you've got more than one child, you know that it's always the other one. It's always the other one. They never say, Oh, yeah, I did it, dad. Or yeah, I did it, mom. It was me. No, it's always the other one. So if you got a younger sibling and the older sibling is known for getting in trouble, he's not gonna accept his punishment. More than likely, he's gonna blame the older sibling. And if you've got an older sibling who doesn't like accepting his punishment or her punishment, they're gonna blame the younger sibling. So a lot of times you really have to know your children. They've made a mess or they've done something wrong. Who's more likely to do it? That's on you as a parent to know. And if you don't know your children that well, this can flip the whole house upside down and cause more of a problem than there is already. The fourth trap is the one that can destroy your relationship long term, losing your client. Constantly doing one, two, and three will lose your client, performing for your wife, not knowing, you know, your son's other siblings to know that sounds more like you than him. And not taking your client into another room, you know, having conversations by yourself, trying to solve these problems in the kitchen. No, you gotta know you if you constantly do one, two, and three, you're gonna lose your client and you're gonna destroy the relationship with your son. You're your son's lawyer. Everybody's coming at him in the world. So you've got to be the one person in his corner. If you're just like everybody else, jumping down his throat, he has nobody left. And this job just doesn't stop. This is an ongoing position that you hold for being the one person in his corner. But being the one person in his corner, that doesn't mean you always have to agree with him. You always have to think that what he does is right. I made another video, the disrespectful son going from loud to leadership. I'm gonna put that video right here because that's a video that we as fathers need to watch to understand. Yes, it's not all, it's not all about getting loud, it's not all about disrespecting your son, but you have to make your son understand that you have to hold the line, and he has to hold the line too, being a respectful young man and being a man that you can be proud of. So, what do you do? How do you back up your wife without losing your son? Well, here are four rules that I live by. Kill the audience. Tell your wife, baby, I got this. Let me take them in a room, give me 20 minutes, let me handle this, and I'll come out and let you know what's going on, everything that's going on. Ask her, is there anything that you want me to say or things you want me to cover when I go in here with my client? Then go in there and handle your business. Number two, hear your client out. Give him 90 seconds, two minutes, give him time, hear him out, hear his side of the story. Just don't immediately jump down his throat and not believe what he's saying. But also let him know look, disrespecting your mother, being disrespectful, rude, you know, over talking, things like that, they're not acceptable. They're non-negotiables. If you feel like you didn't do something, you're getting blamed for something, and it's wrong, you have every right to explain yourself, defend yourself, but you don't have a right to be disrespectful to your mother. Not now, not ever. Number three, hold the standard without anger. Hold the standard. You can make it clear that there will be standards in this household. He will be held to a standard, but you don't have to get angry, you don't have to yell, you don't have to curse, you don't have to point, you don't have to get physical, you don't have to do those. And all those things at one point, yes, I'm not acting like I haven't done those things. You don't want to do those things because that's the way you can back your wife up without losing your son. Number four, the 10 p.m. debriefing with your wife or whatever. For me, it's more like 7 a.m., 7:30 a.m., 8 a.m., not 10 p.m. I work third shift. So we might have our debriefing. If you're a third shifter like me, you might have it in the morning. But everything you talked about with your client, everything that she wanted to make him know that she was upset about and that she would no longer tolerate, you let her know. You let her know. You talk to him about it, and that her concerns were told to him, and he was told that there are standards and he needs to meet those standards. Your wife doesn't need you screaming to prove that you love her. Your son doesn't need a dictator. They both need a leader that can take the heat without catching fire. If you're carrying the weight of being caught in the middle and feel like you're losing your patience, you're not alone. Don't carry that in silence. I put everything in this video the two-room rule, the porch talk, what I say to my wife at night, or if you're a third shifter like me, what I say to her in the morning, into a free guide called the Loud to Leadership Protocol. The link for that free guide is in the description. And if you need more real talk, every Sunday I drop a new video. This is Bill Better Das. I am Ramon Weatherall, and I'm out of here. Peace.