Your Discipline is Breaking Your Child's Spirit (Here's What to Do Instead)

SPEAKER_00 0:00

As a parent, we want our kids to be the best version of themselves, don't we? I do, you do. But is it possible to beat the confidence out of them while you're trying to teach them respect?

SPEAKER_01 0:14

This is where we elevate fatherhood. It's time to build better dads.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

You can't build better dads on the top of a broken son or daughter. In this podcast episode, we're reacting to a video of a mother that admits she broke the spirit of her son from the advice of her mother. And that's what happens, dads, when you're not around. That's what happens when you're not being your family CEO. Whether you're with the mother or you're not, whether you're co-parenting, whether you're married, it's your baby mama, it doesn't matter. You have to be the family CEO. And that way, this type of thing can't happen and shouldn't happen. Let's check out this video.

SPEAKER_03 1:04

My mama told me when I had my first son that if I broke him by the time he was two, I would never have a problem out of him again. And when I tell you I broke my son, anything, anything that he did, I was whooping his ass for. Pete on himself, you getting a whooping. Talk back, you getting a whooping. Act out in the store, you're getting a whooping. I remember one time my son looked at somebody crazy. Gave him a somebody. Gave him a somebody is too. I want his ass. I want his ass. And when I tell you my son, my son is anybody. He is in the most. He is 11 years old. He is a music producer. He's been playing since he was two years old. He has everybody to be the most confident person in the world. But I beat the shit out of him. I'm working my ass up to restore that. Listen, the reality is growing up in a black household, and I'm not sure what it's like for other cultures. I just know for black families, that's the point. And my intentions were so pure. It was not like I was maliciously beating my child. I was not. It was because I wanted him to be perfect. I wanted him to be loved and accepted. I wanted when people saw them, they said, that's a good kid. That is an intelligent kid. I wanted that for him so bad, but what I didn't know that I was doing was beating the confidence out of my child. I broke him. I broke him. And now he doubts himself. Now he walks with his head to the side when he has every fucking right to be arrogant. Like, no, I'm not condoning arrogance. I'm not. He has every right to be confident in himself, his abilities, who he is. He has every right to have self-confidence and self-worth and self-esteem. He has every right to have all of that. And I broke it. And so now it's my job before he goes out into the world and tries to become a businessman, a husband, a father. Now it's my job as his mother to restore that shit. And that's why I no longer whoop my children. That's why. That's why I want them to be the their authentic self. And I don't want to be the reason that they lost trying to find somebody to fill a void that only they can fill for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

We're gonna cut to the chase. I got a few questions I want to ask you. But what's your what's your opinion about that video? When you see watch that video, what do you think?

SPEAKER_05 3:51

My opinion right now is that so she continues to say on that since she beat her child, her child is one of the most intelligent children in her state or school. I don't care. Intelligence doesn't come from that much structure, intelligence comes from the support. It your child doesn't need to be stuck between two tight walls for him to end up successful. Your child just needs to have a good environment to grow up in. It's not like your child has to I can I can't even get what I'm saying out.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

No, but let me let me ask you this, because that's a good point to start at. She says that he's highly skilled, which I don't doubt, you know, um, that he reads he's 11 years old, he reads on a 12th grade level, he's a music producer, he does this and that. Do you think confidence comes from does your confidence come from the skills you have, or does it come from also the encouragement and the support you get from home? So where does your confidence come? Where, you know, on if if confidence is 100%, do you get is it 50-50? You the your skills and the encouragement you get from home, or is it um 75% your skills and 25% from home? Where does your confidence come from?

SPEAKER_05 5:33

I think it's 60-40.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

And which what's 60 and what's 40?

SPEAKER_05 5:39

My skill and then the confidence.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Your skill and then the support and the you get from home is 40.

SPEAKER_05 5:48

Yeah. I'm not saying that my support at home is bad. It's like I'm the type of person where like you could give me uh like a thousand reasons on why I would be great at something. But I need to see the proof that I could be good at it.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Yourself. I yeah, I yeah, I did. I I I can I agree. I dig that that's that's a good answer. That's a good answer. But 40% is a lot.

SPEAKER_05 6:15

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 6:16

If if you got if so, if you if somebody gives you$100 and you gotta give up 40 to somebody else, you're gonna be like, man, dude, that's$40. You know what I mean? So 40 is a lot. So he's probably not he wouldn't say that. I don't think I don't, ma'am, I don't think your son will say that. I don't think, I don't think he feels like it doesn't sound like from what you said in this video, you have to rebuild that. You have to rebuild so you can get up to 40%. I'm 52 years old. I know so many people who are so skilled at things, but they have no confidence. So you know what? They end up doing nothing. And I know people who have all kinds of confidence and try to do things they shouldn't do, and they somehow end up being successful at them. Confidence is important, confidence is damn near everything.

SPEAKER_04 7:13

I layered the drums right here, check the bass line, it's got that perfect vibe, right? Awesome, let's make it happen.

SPEAKER_05 7:21

Very true because before, when I would say I was in first grade, I was like really, really behind on my reading and thankful to like the support that I had with my mom and dad. Now it's been I think three years later, and now I'm like above my reading skill.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Yeah. And then and and I didn't want to bring that up, but I'm I'm you know, I'm glad you brought it up on your own because it's true. It's that's true, yes. And I think what you said earlier is true. You needed to see that you could do it yourself, you needed to see that you could do it yourself, you needed to show yourself you could do it, but you also needed at home to believe in you, and that's important. So that has to start from the beginning. That has to start, that has to start from the beginning. That has to start when he was two years old. Now you say he's 11. You're nine years behind. You have to you have to make up nine years. You don't really have nine years. All we have as parents is is up to 18. He's 11 now. This is an excellent example of how you don't have time to make crucial mistakes as a parent. This bad. Getting bad information from your mother to beat something. You cannot beat anything out of someone. You don't want to do that. You don't want your children to be afraid of you, you want your children to respect you.

SPEAKER_05 9:09

And your child's life isn't a Lego structure. You can't knock it down and expect to rebuild it.

SPEAKER_06 9:18

You might think you can just take them apart and put them back together, but you have to be mindful of what you say and do. It affects their confidence.

SPEAKER_05 9:26

It's like you should be confident, or your structure should be strong enough, which I mean the bond is the structure, to the point where you can glue it and stick it like that. Yeah, you don't have time to like rebuild it. Like he said, those crucial mistakes, like it takes a long time to fix.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

She said she did it because she wanted him to be perfect. She wanted him to be respected by others. How do you think me and you can do what we do as a you know a team doing this podcast, but we still know the boundaries. We, you know, once we turn these cameras off, I'm your dad, you're the son. But listen here, Dads. This old way of thinking that you don't have to respect your kids. Well, get your you know what in trouble. Yes, he's nine years old. His sister is five years old, he has a brother that's 30 years old, he has a sister that's gonna be 25 years old, and another sister that's 30. I have to respect all of them. It doesn't matter that I'm their father. It that doesn't matter. They are they're people, they're individuals, they deserve respect. So if I want respect, I gotta give respect. So how do you think it why do you what what do you think is important for parents to do to keep to teach respect and then also to give to teach respect and then also for them to give respect to their kids? What what how what do you how you what do you why do you think that's important?

SPEAKER_05 11:19

Because your child is not gonna be an adult forever.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

So unless They're not gonna be a child forever.

SPEAKER_05 11:27

Yeah, that's what I meant. So unless you want them to turn 18, move out, and not talk to you anymore, then I suggest that you try to give them respect before you grow up, and you're in a situation where let's say you need some money, and that child doesn't want to give you money. You want to know why? Because you disrespected them like crazy when they were little. So now you so karma can kick in really fast.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

Son, I I I know I wasn't always there for you, but I'm in a tight spot. Could you could you maybe lend me some money? So now you need me.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Just because you're the father, just because you're the mother, you're not the warden, children learn from observation, imitation, and repetition. They don't did I say anything about um beating or um humiliating or no, I didn't say nothing about that. I said observation, imitation, and repetition. They that's how they learn. You wanna you want your kids to respect for people to respect them, then people should respect you. Why let them see people respecting you? That's how then they're gonna want to do that. Kids have a a mirror neuron. And when they see you do something, it's like they did it. When you see your parents do something, it's like you did it. When I saw my father owning his own business and you know, being a businessman, being, you know, still being a good father, it clicked. I never, I never once ever thought of not being there for my kids. Because my dad did it for me. So you want your you wanted him to be respectful and people to respect him, then be the type of person that uh that people respect you. And nothing was mentioned about the father. Nothing was mentioned about the father, and that's a huge issue, dads, because this stuff can't go on if you're there being your family CEO. I got one last question for you. She talked about in the black culture, we have different parenting styles and that whooping your kids is popular, and that's a big subject. And I think spanking your kids at an early age, you know, little, you know, a smack on the butt or tap, you know, pops on the leg is okay. But once they get old enough to understand, he was two years old. Hey, you could you could pull him to the side and make him pay attention. The beating him, whooping him like that, did it work? Did it work? Did it work for you, ma'am? But I want to ask you. What do you think the best type of discipline is? Is it spanking? Is it punishment? Is it talking to your kid, you know? Is it, you know, talking to them, but then making them deal with their the consequences of what they what they've done? What do you feel like, honestly, is the best way to discipline a child?

SPEAKER_05 15:18

See now, you got I'm gonna say talking to them and then having them talk about their co consequences. Because when you beat a child, it's gonna stick in their mind. They come down for dinner, it's not gonna be all okay now, I'm fine. It's gonna be weird at the table. You're gonna see anger, and you don't know what's in their mind. They could be thinking you're the worst parent ever, and I can't wait to get away from you, and you think that they're fine now, and they're accepting, okay, I shouldn't have done that. When you actually talk to your child, you get to hear what they're saying, and they get to hear what you're saying, or the reason why you're punishing them.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

That's some good advice. And this is this one thing I want I want fathers to know who have multiple children, or if you just got one child, it doesn't matter. Being a father, you gotta be the teacher, you gotta be the coach, you gotta be the CEO. And when you're the family CEO, you gotta know who's in the company, who's who's who's part of the team. And you gotta know your kids. You gotta know, you gotta know your children. Words of encouragement. If if I say, if look, this is a perfect example. If I say who, if I say who's it, who who's my favorite? Who's I got all my kids who's who's my favorite?

SPEAKER_05 17:01

I would probably go Roman.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Who, but I know who does if I say it's you, does that mean a lot to you?

SPEAKER_05 17:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

See, I know that. That's not that I I know that means a lot to him. Now his little sister, Riley, and she don't care about that. She, you know what I mean? She might care about it just to rub in his face, but she don't really care about it. My oh my son Roman, yeah, he doesn't really need that, you know what I mean? But he does. He needs that. He's my father's favorite. He, my father, makes that known. So you have to know your children. You have to know them. And I'm only saying this because when it comes to discipline, you can't discipline them all the same. The one who wants, who, the one who needs to know he's your favorite, if you're beating and whooping on him, you know damn well he's not the favorite. The one who needs you to listen to them, if you're ignoring them, you're not giving that the one that they need. The one that wants you to respect them as an adult, as a you know, grown man, a grown woman, if you're not respecting them, if you're talking now, they you're not giving that one what they need. That's why it's all about knowing your children. When it comes to having a relationship with them, when it comes to being nice to them, when it comes to disciplining them, you have to know who you're dealing with.

SPEAKER_05 18:58

And another thing that I want to say is let's say you're trying to show this one child that he's your favorite, let's say, and both of your children are playing, and one of them breaks a vase in the living room. One of them both of them get in trouble. One comes downstairs with, let's say, no phone or no iPad. The other one comes downstairs that claims to be your favorite with no TV, gets grounded, and gets a whooping. Who's your favorite? Who does that child that you apparently is your favorite think who's the favorite? Cause I know that child doesn't think that he's the favorite. He most definitely thinks that the other child child's the favorite. So be aware. Like he said, be aware about who you deal with and how you deal with it compared to the other children.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Wow, this is incredible, sweetie. You did a great job, but this grade right here, son, I know you're capable of more than a B.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Right. Yeah. Be a be aware how you deal with discipline. When they're apart, when they're together, be aware how you handle disciplining your children. Because the way you treat them is the same, is the way they're gonna treat their children. So if you don't want your grandchildren to go through you know, dysfunction or toxic stuff, then don't put your kids through that. She said at the end at the end of the video, she was working on restoring his self-esteem. What are some ways you think, because we're not here just to tear this woman down. So if you watch this video, ma'am, we want to try to help you. What's a way you think she can restore his self-esteem? Help restore his self-esteem.

SPEAKER_05 21:13

Um, I'm just gonna start off by saying this. When you try to restore your child's self-esteem, it doesn't mean you need to buy them the newest, latest phone, get them a PS5, take them to Disneyland, the water park, um, get him whatever he wants for the rest of the for the rest of the year. That's not what it takes. Maybe it could be like you and him just talking, or having a good laughing moment, watching a show together, allowing him to push the boundary a little bit. It doesn't have to be something that will break your bank or get him twisted in the head like I don't know how to read you. It need To be something that like is simple but also can show I love you. That's I'm not gonna break down because I don't know what your child likes the most, but um just do something that you think your child would enjoy, but that's not too much.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

And and I think you should um admit that you are wrong to your child and that you made a huge mistake by doing what you did, you know, um disciplining him that way. And don't make those, you know, don't make those kind of mistakes again. Just have the conversation. He's 11 now. He's you know, you said he's intelligent. You can have that conversation and say, just admit, you know, I didn't I didn't know what I was doing. I'm I'm sorry. I didn't I didn't know what I was doing, and I caused you a lot of grief. And I don't think you guys can do this on your own. I think you should go find a therapist, somewhere, somebody that can help you through this. Just we do that. You talk about the black culture and just people. We do that too much. There's nothing wrong. This is out, this is something that's you need to have a third party in here. You need to have somebody in here to help you with this. You ma'am, you can't do this alone. You can't do this alone. Yes. It would be a good idea to, whether it's, you know, the pastor at your church or um go, you know, going to some type of therapy or getting with a you know a coach that's you know um specifies in this type of stuff, you know, I think is a good idea. But also what Carter said too was a great idea, you know, spending the quality time together, showing him that you really love him and that you made a huge mistake. It's not none of it, none of this is his fault. That was this episode of the Raising Carter Podcast, sponsored by Bill Better's, sponsored by Build Better Dads, the coaching program, the YouTube page. You got anything else you want to say before we?

SPEAKER_05 24:29

Yeah, and I recommend, unless you're unless you were parented this way, don't let anybody, unless, don't let anybody come up with a new idea to parent your child, because your child's life isn't in isn't an experiment. It's someone's life that they have to live with. So don't take advice from someone who didn't do it.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Or who did it the wrong way, you know? Or who did it the wrong way. And I hear a lot of people say, well, um, I was I was raised this way, so I'm not gonna. I know I heard I heard some educator or some, he was like, Well, I was raised the wrong way. I know what these kids need. I'm gonna give them everything I didn't have. Let me tell you something. Carter is not me when I was nine. I have to give him what he needs. Don't give your kids what you needed when you were nine. Give that child, your son, ma'am, at 11. Give him what he needs. You dads out there, give your children what they need, not what you needed when you were their age. That's why they got their own name. They're not you. Give them what they need. This is the Raising Carter Podcast. And I got a new free, I got a new ebook. I got a book, and it's called The Unbreakable Sun. It's the 10 Fundamental Skills that every child should know. Every son, every daughter should know. And uh the link is in the description, and we are out of here. Peace.